I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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