How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
