Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
