if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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