how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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