I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
