You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Come see our sink grown plant.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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