If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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