god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
