I need help removing her.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
