the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
