I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
