Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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