I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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