I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
