Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
