i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
