put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
