Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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