It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
