Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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