Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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