if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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