That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
