apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
