don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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