You smell like a Billy Joel song
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
