dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
