If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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