Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
