I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
