New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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