I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
