Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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