i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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