My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
