I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
