I am spending my child support on dildos
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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