its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
