My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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