...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
