I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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