My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
