Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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