My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
