oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
