She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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