I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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