We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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