My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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