i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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