I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
