his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
