Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
