we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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