Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
