So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
