Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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