I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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