1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize