There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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