It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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