Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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